I’m just not feeling well. I was thinking about you last night. I miss you so much I can’t begin to explain it. I want you so bad and yet on the other hand I’m scared for you to touch me.
It feels like my body is on fire and I can’t put it out. I can’t get the taste of his penis out of my mouth, his seed he made me swallow. My throat will always feel raw and sore. 
My body feels so disgusting right now. I can’t be touched. I’m too dirty for you to see me this way. I just want to feel whole again. I feel so unpure and bad. It feels like its my fault. 
I don’t know what I did to be hurt like this. I’m sorry though. Whatever I did to cause this I’m sorry and ill never do it again. But its my fault right? I went out with an older man, he was my boyfriend, I kissed him, I let him touch me. But its my fault right? Because men have no control over their hormones right? And me being the woman I should take responsibility for my own actions right? I shouldn’t have had 1 cup of hypnotic with a friend because everyone knows that when you are a woman and you have a drink with a man, he’s not responsible for not raping you. You’re the one responsible for stopping the rape. You’re in charge of making him stop and if he doesn’t its your fault. If you don’t hit him hard enough or don’t fight back and leave bruises then its not real rape. I was responsible for screaming really loud and collecting my own evidence for a crime I committed on myself because you know women its our fault when we are raped.
How am I supposed to prove it. Have a video camera follow me around so when I put myself in a position to be raped its on camera? Or do I have to have people in the house at the time so be witnesses? What do I need to do to prove to you I was raped so they can go to jail? I did a rape kit, I went to the police and sat there for hours while the cop called me selfish because I didn’t give my rapist oral sex. How much more scars do I have to show to put him behind bars?
Are my constant, daily flashbacks and panic attacks not proof enough for you? How about the body memories? The jumping when someone touches me, my heart racing during sex because I can’t physically say no or stop. I screamed both at the top of my lungs when they raped me and it ment nothing. I can’t say either words when I’m being intimate I have flashbacks. 
If you’re going to put me on trial now would be a perfect time. You can ask me how many times I cut myself to stop the pain. Ask me how many nights I’ve stayed up because I was too scared to sleep. Ask me how often I go out to have fun because I stopped going out. Ask me what my life is like now. Leaving my house scares the hell out of me because they are free on the streets but I’m the one serving the fucking life sentence. Ask me how many relationships and marriages have been ruined because SOME men just don’t fucking get it.
I want you to put me on trial, hook me up to a lie detector test and ask me if it hurts. It kills me to hear stories from my friends about going on dates with women and then getting mad because she didn’t have sex with them. As if taking me out to dinner and movies makes me obligated to have sex with you. And that makes me think. Is that why I was raped? Because I wouldn’t put out? Because some piece of shit excuse for a man was mad that I didn’t sleep with him so he took it?
Please I’m begging you to put me on trial against every single fucking man who’s raped me. Hook me up to the lie detector machine and ask me how much of my life they took from me.

I’m just not feeling well. I was thinking about you last night. I miss you so much I can’t begin to explain it. I want you so bad and yet on the other hand I’m scared for you to touch me.

It feels like my body is on fire and I can’t put it out. I can’t get the taste of his penis out of my mouth, his seed he made me swallow. My throat will always feel raw and sore.

My body feels so disgusting right now. I can’t be touched. I’m too dirty for you to see me this way. I just want to feel whole again. I feel so unpure and bad. It feels like its my fault.

I don’t know what I did to be hurt like this. I’m sorry though. Whatever I did to cause this I’m sorry and ill never do it again. But its my fault right? I went out with an older man, he was my boyfriend, I kissed him, I let him touch me. But its my fault right? Because men have no control over their hormones right? And me being the woman I should take responsibility for my own actions right? I shouldn’t have had 1 cup of hypnotic with a friend because everyone knows that when you are a woman and you have a drink with a man, he’s not responsible for not raping you. You’re the one responsible for stopping the rape. You’re in charge of making him stop and if he doesn’t its your fault. If you don’t hit him hard enough or don’t fight back and leave bruises then its not real rape. I was responsible for screaming really loud and collecting my own evidence for a crime I committed on myself because you know women its our fault when we are raped.

How am I supposed to prove it. Have a video camera follow me around so when I put myself in a position to be raped its on camera? Or do I have to have people in the house at the time so be witnesses? What do I need to do to prove to you I was raped so they can go to jail? I did a rape kit, I went to the police and sat there for hours while the cop called me selfish because I didn’t give my rapist oral sex. How much more scars do I have to show to put him behind bars?

Are my constant, daily flashbacks and panic attacks not proof enough for you? How about the body memories? The jumping when someone touches me, my heart racing during sex because I can’t physically say no or stop. I screamed both at the top of my lungs when they raped me and it ment nothing. I can’t say either words when I’m being intimate I have flashbacks.

If you’re going to put me on trial now would be a perfect time. You can ask me how many times I cut myself to stop the pain. Ask me how many nights I’ve stayed up because I was too scared to sleep. Ask me how often I go out to have fun because I stopped going out. Ask me what my life is like now. Leaving my house scares the hell out of me because they are free on the streets but I’m the one serving the fucking life sentence. Ask me how many relationships and marriages have been ruined because SOME men just don’t fucking get it.

I want you to put me on trial, hook me up to a lie detector test and ask me if it hurts. It kills me to hear stories from my friends about going on dates with women and then getting mad because she didn’t have sex with them. As if taking me out to dinner and movies makes me obligated to have sex with you. And that makes me think. Is that why I was raped? Because I wouldn’t put out? Because some piece of shit excuse for a man was mad that I didn’t sleep with him so he took it?

Please I’m begging you to put me on trial against every single fucking man who’s raped me. Hook me up to the lie detector machine and ask me how much of my life they took from me.




  1. gloriousruins- reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  2. lotusoutofmud reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape and added:
    YES
  3. aladdinismybabydaddy reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  4. survivors-strength reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  5. cosmicoutlook reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  6. burning-to-the-ground66 reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  7. kaysnkisses reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  8. ablackwomansurvivingrape reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  9. bellamente-cicatrices reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  10. kapay86 reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  11. sigaramindumaniol reblogged this from jjex91
  12. jjex91 reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  13. smile-its-ed reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  14. glorified-jellyfish reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  15. mahreecuh reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  16. h3y-cortney reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  17. aimandlex reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  18. headsforsale reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  19. sparklefartingunicorn reblogged this from geekzyllah
  20. geekzyllah reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape
  21. marroncito reblogged this from blametherapistneverthevictim
  22. blametherapistneverthevictim reblogged this from ablackwomansurvivingrape

A Black Woman Surviving Rape




My blog is for BLACK WOMEN ONLY AND THE BLACK MEN WHO SUPPORT US. And it is from a black woman’s perspective. This is my own personal space where I can write and re blog thoughts, ideas and other people’s experiences and experiences as a black woman surviving rape in my own community.

This blog is my safe place. For years I have looked for places like this and I never found it so I had to create one for myself. This is for black women who are surviving rape. This blog is for black men who support black women who are surviving rape.

This blog is not for white women who find comfort in my words or thoughts. But this blog is strictly for black women who are rape and abuse survivors. Everyone else has their own safety net except for us so I will be making this our safety net..





I go by the name Golden Rays; I am a survivor of molestation, domestic violence and multiple rapes. I was 17 when I was raped the first time, I knew him, and he was my boyfriend. The relationship turned out to be violent and he raped me on a daily basis to get me pregnant on propose. The second time I was raped it was a friend, I reported that rape. I spent hours getting a rape kit done and talking to an insensitive police officer who then had the audacity to ask me if I thought it was selfish not to give him (the monster who raped me) oral sex. I then had 1 more rape after this (I was drugged with GHB) and 2 more sexual assaults (it didn’t lead to rape). I am 27 years old now and 21 years of my life I have been mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused. I had down played a lot of what happened to me. Unfortunately right now I am in the healing point in my life and I am starting over in recovery which has been the hardest thing that I have ever done. I also struggle with complex PTSD, Vaginismus and Bipolar Disorder (rapid cycling). I am a happily married mother of a 3 year old daughter (work full time). I've been with my husband for 10 years now and I’m happy to say that I married my best friend. I’m writing this blog because I’m tired of holding my feelings in without people asking me if I’m ok. I’m writing this blog because even though I am a survivor of all the things listed above, I am also a black woman. When I went to find people to talk to about my past, I couldn’t find one black woman who was willing and open enough to talk about the secretes that we hide. That is one of the things that have made healing so much worse for me. The books out there specifically for black women are few and far between. (I am in no way saying that rape has a color or a gender to it, I am not saying that other women’s rapes are less important than anyone else’s). It was hard for me to find counseling (I would always end up trying to explain my culture background to my therapists more than the assaults itself, no one could really understand what it’s like to be a black woman, which is totally understandable). I had bought the books that were out there and read them over and over until I had felt like I had the words memorized, it was as if I had wrote them, I had read them that much. But it wasn’t enough, I had always felt like I was the only black woman who has been raped (I know it’s not true though), I felt like it was just me against the world. I got tired of being one of 2 black women in support groups, I felt alone. I'm writing this blog because the black community has its dark deep secrets. We don’t stand up for each other, especially when it comes to the abuse and rape of each other. We always blame the victim. We tell our daughters who have been molested by their mothers’ boyfriends, by their uncles, by their fathers and brothers; we tell our sons who have been molested by their fathers, their uncles, their mothers boyfriends that it’s their fault. That they shouldn’t have been “fast”, that they shouldn’t go around “looking like a hutchie” that they shouldn’t be talking to older men because we give them the wrong idea. We blame our children for their rapes and molestations. We take the predators side, oh well they couldn’t have done that. We tell our boys and young men and men that if a woman has raped you then you must have wanted it. As a whole we have no sense of how our own damn body reacts to sexual stimulation . That having an erection doesn’t mean consent no more than being wet is an answer to yes. We drill into their heads that because an older woman has hit on them and made sexual advances it’s okay when it’s not. He’s a good person, or well he didn’t do it, he goes to the church. HE GOES TO THE CHURCH???? We hide behind the church and the bible to protect the monsters walking our neighborhoods. As if going to church makes you innocent. We ignore our children when they come crying to us, we tell them to stop crying, suck it up, it’s happened to us before (as if that makes it okay, as if us being molested as children makes it okay and excusable for our children to go through the same hurt and abuse). We are emotionally unavailable and distant as a community. We pay more attention to LiL Wayne and Beyoncé than we do to our own damn kids. And that’s sad, horrible and heartbreaking. We silence our women when they speak up about being hit and abused. We tell them to go to church, we shun them for seeking therapy, and we banish them from the community when they point a finger at the “brotha” who hurt them. We tell our black women that they are bringing down men every time they report a rape and abuse and we don’t stand by their side. That’s what we are doing and no one gives a damn about it. We are dying; we are killing ourselves by keeping pain inside. We don’t have to keep holding on to the pain, we don’t have to carry that burden with us, and we don’t have to feel ashamed anymore. We can talk about it, it’s okay, and you’re not the only one out there who’s going through it alone. This blog is for BLACK WOMEN And it is from a black woman’s perspective.



A Little Girls White Dress
My white dress has been
Covered in blood.
My beautiful white dress has been
Beaten so much
The back is ripped and its
Seam is torn.
My sparkly white dress is
Smudged whit unearthly prints
And stains that cannot be
Removed.
My innocent white dress was ripped
Apart into pieces and
Carelessly put back together again.


I’ve tried to burn it, drown it
Pour alcohol on it to set on fire
And it still finds its way to the
Front of my closet
Dirty, fire stains, muddy, smeared with
Blood reeking
Of Jack Daniels, holding on by
A thread.


Sitting in front of what use to be
My white dress, I scream, I bellow
And finally I cry.
Realizing the blood, the torn seam
Smudges and pieces were only visible
To me.


The damage I had done to my own
White dress can be fixed,
Even if I can't get the blood out.
©Golden Rays