I’m just not feeling well. I was thinking about you last night. I miss you so much I can’t begin to explain it. I want you so bad and yet on the other hand I’m scared for you to touch me.
It feels like my body is on fire and I can’t put it out. I can’t get the taste of his penis out of my mouth, his seed he made me swallow. My throat will always feel raw and sore.
My body feels so disgusting right now. I can’t be touched. I’m too dirty for you to see me this way. I just want to feel whole again. I feel so unpure and bad. It feels like its my fault.
I don’t know what I did to be hurt like this. I’m sorry though. Whatever I did to cause this I’m sorry and ill never do it again. But its my fault right? I went out with an older man, he was my boyfriend, I kissed him, I let him touch me. But its my fault right? Because men have no control over their hormones right? And me being the woman I should take responsibility for my own actions right? I shouldn’t have had 1 cup of hypnotic with a friend because everyone knows that when you are a woman and you have a drink with a man, he’s not responsible for not raping you. You’re the one responsible for stopping the rape. You’re in charge of making him stop and if he doesn’t its your fault. If you don’t hit him hard enough or don’t fight back and leave bruises then its not real rape. I was responsible for screaming really loud and collecting my own evidence for a crime I committed on myself because you know women its our fault when we are raped.
How am I supposed to prove it. Have a video camera follow me around so when I put myself in a position to be raped its on camera? Or do I have to have people in the house at the time so be witnesses? What do I need to do to prove to you I was raped so they can go to jail? I did a rape kit, I went to the police and sat there for hours while the cop called me selfish because I didn’t give my rapist oral sex. How much more scars do I have to show to put him behind bars?
Are my constant, daily flashbacks and panic attacks not proof enough for you? How about the body memories? The jumping when someone touches me, my heart racing during sex because I can’t physically say no or stop. I screamed both at the top of my lungs when they raped me and it ment nothing. I can’t say either words when I’m being intimate I have flashbacks.
If you’re going to put me on trial now would be a perfect time. You can ask me how many times I cut myself to stop the pain. Ask me how many nights I’ve stayed up because I was too scared to sleep. Ask me how often I go out to have fun because I stopped going out. Ask me what my life is like now. Leaving my house scares the hell out of me because they are free on the streets but I’m the one serving the fucking life sentence. Ask me how many relationships and marriages have been ruined because SOME men just don’t fucking get it.
I want you to put me on trial, hook me up to a lie detector test and ask me if it hurts. It kills me to hear stories from my friends about going on dates with women and then getting mad because she didn’t have sex with them. As if taking me out to dinner and movies makes me obligated to have sex with you. And that makes me think. Is that why I was raped? Because I wouldn’t put out? Because some piece of shit excuse for a man was mad that I didn’t sleep with him so he took it?
Please I’m begging you to put me on trial against every single fucking man who’s raped me. Hook me up to the lie detector machine and ask me how much of my life they took from me.
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